I've been doing a lot of introspection and self-evaluation lately. Trying to find the reasons behind the background discontentment in my life. I've been looking at my personality, values, ethics and history for pointers to what drives me.
It has not been pleasant as I've needed to face everything that causes me pain and discomfort, to work through the decisions that I've made in my life and the consequences of those decisions. It has been risky in that the outcome could mean that my life is on a path that is completely at odds with my true nature.
I've had to work through many of my regrets and perceived missed opportunities to try to understand why I've made choices to do or not do things and how I've reacted to the consequences of those choices. I've also had to eat a lot of humble pie as I come to realize that I am 100% responsible for my own thoughts and feelings and that I have been internally and externally blaming others for my situation (projection) and for my own perceived failures.
I've come to realise that my actions have not been true to myself and my deeply held beliefs and values.
The hardest part so far has been digging down and finding the demon that has been haunting me. The work, however has been worth it. Finding the demon and actually naming it has been the most enlightening and powerful experience of my life. Now that it is named, I can work with it. I can find a way out of the trap. It's not the end of the digging by any means, but I can now work to understand where it came from, how it affects me and how I can change my actions to vanquish it.
I've found that there is a peace that comes when I am true to myself. When I accept what I am, what I've been doing and the actions I need to take to be true myself, I can move forward. I can accept the past for what it is, I can more easily accept the regrets and missed opportunities for what they are and take far more pleasure and satisfaction in the now.
The results of this revelation have been quick and massive. I feel like I have a renewed zest for life. My immediate relationships have become infinitely more satisfying and I am content for the time being. I am still digging, but rather than digging a hole, I am digging my way out and setting the direction for the rest of my life.